Couples who have five times as many positives in their marriages as negatives have stable marriages. If that is the case, what can you do to make sure that positives abound in your marriage?
Build Your Marriage on the Positives
And Become Useful And Helpful And Kind To One another, Tenderhearted (compassionate, Understanding, loving-hearted), Forgiving One Another [readily And Freely], As God In Christ Forgave You. Ephesians 4:32 (Amp.)
Fact: Couples who have five times as many positives in their marriages as negatives have stable marriages. If that is the case, what can you do to make sure that positives abound in your marriage? Check the following ideas:
Shared Interests. It’s important to share interest in your partner as a person, to discover what he/she has experienced during the day, to uncover any upset feelings.
This can involve listening and looking at each other—without glancing at the TV or the paper on your lap. It can mean listening without attempting to fix a problem unless asked to do so.
Showing Affection. Being consistently affectionate—and not just at those times when one is interested in sex—is a highly valued positive response. Sometimes nothing is shared verbally.
It can be sitting side by side and touching gently or moving close enough that you barely touch while you watch the sun dipping over a mountain with reddish clouds capturing your attention.
It could be reaching out and holding hands in public. It can be doing something thoughtful, unrequested and noticed only by your partner.
Perhaps you’re in the store and you see a favorite food your spouse enjoys and you buy it for him or her even if you hate it. Or you decide to stop at the store for an item and you call your spouse at home or at work to see if there’s anything he or she wants or needs.
You are “other” thinking rather than “self” thinking. You follow through with the scriptural teaching in Ephesians 4:32 (NIV), “Be kind and compassionate to one another.”
An act of caring can be a phone call to ask if your partner has a prayer request. Acts of caring can mean remembering special dates and anniversaries without being reminded.
Showing Appreciation and Empathy.
Another positive is being appreciative. This means going out of your way to notice all the little positive things your partner does and letting him or her know you appreciate them.
It also means focusing on the positive experiences and dwelling upon those rather than the negative. . . . Working toward agreement and appreciating the other’s perspective is important.
Compliments convey appreciation, but they need to be balanced between what persons do and who they are. Affirmations based on personal qualities are rare, but highly appreciated.
Showing genuine concern for your spouse when you notice he or she is upset builds unity and intimacy in a relationship. You may not be able to do anything, but sharing your desire to do so may be all that is necessary.
When your partner shares a problem with you, don’t relate a similar problem you once had, tell him what to do, crack jokes to cheer him up, or ask how he got into that problem in the first place.
Instead, listen, put your arm around him, show that you understand, and let him know it’s all right for him to feel and act the way he does.
I’m sure you’ve heard the word empathy time and time again.
Empathy includes rapport—knowing how your spouse would feel in most situations without him or her having to explain. You’ll experience something together at the same time through the eyes of your partner.
The Lighter Side. Having a sense of humor and being able to laugh, joke, and have fun gives balance to the serious side of marriage.
Some of what you laugh at will be private, and some will be shared with others. Having a sense of humor means you are able to laugh at yourself (even if it sometimes takes awhile!), and the two of you can laugh together.
Sometimes the best memories are some of those hilarious incidents that happen even though your partner didn’t think it was so funny at the time.